Turning dreams into reality

Simon can't believe his luck!

Simon can’t believe his luck!

The other night, I had a dream. And I woke up smiling. So I committed it to my screen.

It’s a dream about coffee and DIY and promiscuity and Simon Pegg. It stars me, my boyfriend and Simon himself. No names have been changed and I’ve transcribed it exactly as it happened. It’s a dream, remember, hence why I still look cute and sexy wearing dungarees and no make up.

One other thing: I’m not sure how to write a film script so here’s a stab.

Enjoy!

EXT. DAY. VICTORIAN HOUSE. THREE STOREY. RYDE, ISLE OF WIGHT. AUTUMN.

JANE AND MARK ARE LEAVING THE HOUSE. JANE IS DRESSED IN CLOTHES FOR DECORATING. SHE HAS NO MAKE UP ON AND A COLD. HER NOSE IS RED. SHE STILL LOOKS CUTE AND SEXY IN A DISHEVELED, DRESSED-DOWN-FILM-STAR WAY. MARK IS IN A SUIT AND RAINCOAT. THEY CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AND START TO WALK DOWN THE STREET. HE PUTS HIS ARM ROUND HER AND KISSES HER FOREHEAD. THEN SHE KISSES HIS MOUTH. THEY CARRY ON WALKING.

EXT. DAY. COFFEE SHOP.

MARK AND JANE LEAVE A COFFEE SHOP. HE HAS A REGULAR SIZED TAKEAWAY COFFEE SHE HAS A HUGE COFFEE – MORE LIKE AN EXTRA LARGE POPCORN BUCKET FROM THE CINEMA. SHE IS HOLDING IT WITH TWO HANDS – ONE EITHER SIDE – AND SIPPING IT. MARK LOOKS AT IT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD WITH A SMILE AND THEY START TO WALK DOWN THE STREET.

EXT. DAY.

VICTORIAN HOUSE CONVERTED INTO OFFICES BY THE SEA. JANE AND MARK KISS.

JANE

Have a good day.

MARK

You too, Screwtop.

JANE

Screwtop? Get lost.

THEY KISS AGAIN AND SHE STARTS TO WALK AWAY. HE WOLF WHISTLES HER AND THEN GOES INSIDE.

EXT. DAY. STREET WHERE HOUSE IS.

JANE WALKS BACK TO THEIR HOUSE, HOLDING HER MASSIVE COFFEE. THE STREET IS PRETTY MUCH EMPTY. SHE WALKS UP THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR THEN REACHES IN HER POCKET FOR FRONT DOOR KEYS. NOTHING. SHE LAYS THE MASSIVE COFFEE ON THE FLOOR AND TRIES TO FIND THE KEYS IN HER OTHER POCKETS. NOTHING. SHE TURNS ROUND AND WALKS BACK DOWN THE STREET.

EXT. DAY. STREET WHERE OFFICE IS.

JANE WALKS TOWARDS OFFICE. SHE SEES A WOMAN TAKING HER CHILD TO SCHOOL. CHILD IS ON A SCOOTER. SHE ACKNOWLEDGES WOMAN.

EXT. DAY. OFFICE.

JANE WALKS UP TO OFFICE DOOR BUT THEN JOGS ROUND TO THE BACK AS SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE MARK’S OFFICE IS. AS SHE GETS ROUND TO THE WINDOW SHE SEES HIM SITTING ON A RELAXING CHAIR WITH A WOMAN AT HIS FEET, LEANING HER HEAD ON HIS LEGS. HE IS RUBBING HER HEAD AND NECK. SHE IS JUST RELAXING ON HIM.

JANE BANGS ON THE WINDOW. MARK LOOKS UP. THE WOMAN SITS UP NONCHALANTLY.

INT. DAY. OFFICE BLOCK.

JANE WALKS IN, PAST RECEPTION AND INTO MARK’S OFFICE.

JANE

What the fuck?

MARK

This is Alison. Alison, this is my partner, Jane.

ALISON

Hi Jane.

JANE

What the fuck?

ALISON

Oh don’t mind this. We’ve worked together so long; this is how we do our morning meeting.

MARK

We’ve worked together for 10 years.

JANE

Yeah, but. What the fuck? What the fuck… is this?

MARK

If you don’t like it, we’ll change it.

JANE SEES THE HOUSE KEYS ON THE SIDE, TAKES THEM, WALKS OUT. MARK SHOUTS AFTER HER.

MARK

I can’t follow you. I’ve got another meeting at 9.

EXT. DAY. STREET.

JANE WALKS AWAY FROM THE OFFICE.

EXT. DAY. STREET.

JANE WALKS PAST THE COFFEE SHOP AND ROW OF OTHER SHOPS.

EXT. DAY. SUBURBAN STREET.

JANE WALKS TOWARDS THE HOUSE. THIS TIME THERE IS A BIG TRESTLE TABLE SET UP ON THE ROAD AND LOTS OF PEOPLE SITTING ROUND EATING. THERE IS BUNTING AND BALLOONS. JANE SEES IT BUT GOES BACK TO HER HOUSE, CLIMBING THE STEPS. SHE KEEPS LOOKING OVER THOUGH.

EVENTUALLY SHE WALKS OVER TO THE TRESTLE TABLE. THERE IS A BIG CROWD AND SHE STANDS ON THE EDGE OF IT. THEN SHE SEES SIMON PEGG DOING A TOAST.

SIMON

So, this one’s for you Frank. You dirty old man. We’ll miss you.

JANE WALKS ROUND THE TABLE TO SEE OLD MAN FRANK LAUGHING WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE. SIMON PEGG IS LAUGHING AND CHATTING WITH PEOPLE. THEN HE SEES JANE. HE SMILES AT HER AND RAISES HIS GLASS. SHE SMILES BACK AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE.

SIMON CHASES AFTER HER.

SIMON

Hey. Hey. Hi.

JANE

Hi.

SIMON

Simon.

JANE

Pegg. Yeah, I know. Jane.

SIMON

Hi Jane.

JANE

Party?

SIMON

Yeah.

JANE

For Frank?

SIMON

Yeah. You know Frank?

JANE

No.

SIMON

Right.

JANE

Nice rant on twitter last night.

SIMON

Oh God. I looked like such a dick.

JANE

Pleeeeeeease follow meeeeeee.

SIMON

Laughs, embarrassed. I know. Desperate.

JANE

Anyway, I’m… gestures to say that she’s going into her house.

SIMON

Right. Nice place.

JANE

Cheers.

JANE STARTS WALKING IN. SIMON WATCHES FOR A SECOND. THEN HE TURNS AWAY. JANE SEES THE COFFEE ON THE DOORSTEP.

JANE

Fancy some coffee?

SIMON

Yeah.

INT. DAY. HOUSE.

THE HOUSE IS FULL OF LADDERS AND WALLPAPER AND PAINT TINS AND BRUSHES. IT’S HARD TO NAVIGATE.

SIMON

You do all this?

JANE

Yeah.

SIMON

Cool.

JANE TAKES THE MASSIVE BUCKET OF COFFEE AND DECANTS IT INTO TWO DUSTY OLD MUGS.

JANE

Here.

SIMON

Thanks.

JANE

It’s pretty cold now.

SIMON

Yeah.

JANE

And dusty.

SIMON

Yeah. In fact, do you mind if I don’t…

JANE

Laughing. No. Pour it down the sink. If you can find it.

SIMON POURS THE COFFEE AWAY. HE COMES BACK ROUND TO WHERE JANE IS STANDING.

SIMON

So. How are you?

JANE

Been better.

SIMON

Have you actually finished any of the rooms?

JANE

Upstairs.

SIMON

Want to show me?

JANE

Sure.

INT. DAY. STAIRS.

SIMON FOLLOWS JANE UP THE STAIRS. THERE ARE LOADS OF THEM.

INT. DAY. UPSTAIRS.

THE HOUSE IS PRISTINE. AND HUGE. MUCH BIGGER THAN DOWNSTAIRS. LIKE SOMETHING FROM A FILM. CHANDELIERS.

JANE OPENS ONE DOOR AND IT LEADS TO A BEDROOM WITH FOUR POSTER AND IMMACULATE DÉCOR.

SIMON

Wow! You did this?

JANE

Yeah.

SIMON

On your own?

JANE

Yeah.

SIMON

Amazing.

JANE

You wrote a film.

SIMON

I wrote a few.

JANE

That’s amazing.

SIMON

I could never do this.

JANE

I could never write a film.

SIMON GOES OVER TO JANE AND KISSES HER. SHE KISSES HIM BACK. THEY START TO TAKE EACH OTHERS CLOTHES OFF. THEY HAVE SEX ON THE FOUR POSTER.

AS THEY FINISH, THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS.

MARK

Jane! Jane!

JANE DOES NOT MOVE. SIMON STAYS LYING DOWN.

SIMON

Who’s that?

JANE

My partner.

SIMON NODS. THEY STAY AS THEY ARE. MARK OPENS THE DOOR AND SEES THEM NAKED.

JANE

Mark. This is Simon.

MARK

Simon. Oh, God, Simon Pegg. I loved Shaun of the Dead. Hi.

SIMON

Hi.

MARK

Can I get you anything?

SIMON

A glass of water would be great, actually.

MARK

No worries. Jane?

JANE

Yeah. Thanks.

MARK

I’m sorry. About this morning. If you don’t like it, we won’t…

JANE

Let’s talk about it later.

MARK

Yeah, yeah, course. Two waters. Spaced. Loved Spaced.

Simon

Cheers man.

MARK LEAVES THE ROOM.

Nice guy.

JANE

Yeah. He’s alright.

JANE LEANS OVER, KISSES SIMON, HE GRABS HER AND THEY START AT IT AGAIN.

 

THE END.

 

 

 

File under ‘life events’

 

Me and Mark and my little arcade ring

Me and Mark and my little arcade ring

On Saturday I got engaged. It happened on a beach in Bembridge overlooking the crazy café where I worked for my first summer here in 2012.

The week before, we went to New York. At Christmas my boyfriend wrapped up a cooking apple and when I opened it, I realised he’d drilled a hole down the core and slipped in a voucher for a trip to the Big Apple. This is not usual fare in our house. For the last two years I’ve given him painted stones and terrible self-penned songs for almost every celebration. For Valentine’s Day last year, he found me a stone that looked like ET. So a trip to New York was a big deal. Of course, when I told people about the gift (and I didn’t tell many people) about half of them said ‘ooh, you know he’s going to propose, don’t you?’ I didn’t. But now I sort of thought he might.

At the Top of the Rock and in a rickshaw in Central Park and buzzing in the bar after an immersive theatre thing I thought he might.

But he didn’t. And I didn’t mind at all. I was sort of glad. I was so taken with the place, I just wanted to soak it all up.

We got back, we unpacked, did washing, painted a wall, all that stuff. Then on Saturday it was hot, like summer hot, and in the afternoon, we went for a barbecue on the beach: windbreak, little blanket, phone propped up on a rock playing songs on shuffle. We shared a gin and J20 from a jam jar – we weren’t being cute, the dirty plastic cups we’d taken smelt of ground-in wet dog so we used the jar I’d put the gin in.

When we were full, we lay back on the blanket and I played a trick on him – I pretended there was some amazing pudding in the bag when there wasn’t (I know, I know, call the Comedy Cellar, I think they just found their new headliner) and while I was drying my tears of laughter, he asked me. There was no preamble. It was just the question, there. And it felt so heavy and loaded and much bigger than I had imagined it in my head.

I’ve been engaged before. But that was two lifetimes ago and I was a different person, maybe, although the same, sort of. But I was ecstatic back then, and when it all went wrong, because my feelings changed, I couldn’t understand why. And then I fell in love again, for a long time, and then my feelings sort of changed again. And you start to question whether you know yourself at all, don’t you?

The older you get, the more aware you are of heartbreak and how it changes you. And you feel the responsibility more, I think.

Despite all this, I said yes. Because I’m in love, and as Mary said to George in It’s a Wonderful Life, “I want my babies to look like [him]”. He gave me a plastic ring that he’d won in the arcades where I went as a kid.

And then we lay back down on the blanket again. And everything felt exactly the same as it did the minute before.

Only I had these sort of butterflies.